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Blood money Year 2029 Horror Chapter 1 “ALEXIS WAKE UP!” I woke up groggily from my dreams and went to get breakfast started. The news reports told of a cold day so I bundled up with a South Pole jacket and went to work. At my credit firm, it’s either work hard and be on time or get the ax (as in a literal ax to the face). I was assigned to a family that had just lost their home. The father came in, a look of rage surrounded him and his face was snow white. “We paid our ******* bills!” he shouted as guards restrained him I looked at him once and he calmed down. I went over the situation and offered to decrease his bills if he would honor the final term on his loan: decrease his electricity use. He shot me a look and tried to strangle me while screaming that his family was cold 24/7 and he couldn’t sleep. That cars and gangs drove him crazy and that my credit firm was corrupt. After giving him a massive punch in the jaw in self defense, I told him to calm down or risk worse punishment as my firm was not known for kindness. The government had long stopped jails and police from affecting businesses so contract killing was legal. He sat down, clearly afraid. I ironed out a deal that would lower his taxes by 25% if he would honor my previous arrangement. He refused so I ordered him shot
It's not horrible. But it reads really flat. It's like the main character is just reading a script and not actually experiencing this. So this character is at work and there is confrontation. How does he feel about this? Does he feel upset that this family is struggling? Is this something he sees daily and can't spare any more sympathies? He punches the man in the face, that is a big deal. Does this hurt his hand? How does the man react to getting punched. The main character is obviously pretty ruthless and works for a ruthless company. But there are no feelings, emotions, or descriptions in this excerpt here. I don't care a man is getting shot, and don't really care that the main character seems ruthless. And you want your reader to care. Right now, it reads very bland and emotionless. Add some descriptions of the firm, of the man. Give him a tone of voice. He's scared? Worried for his family? What? What about the main character? Is he completely indifferent? Is he upset but doing his job? Or, does he perhaps enjoy his line of work? There is so much you can add to that, that would completely change the tone and make it feel more interesting.
Eh. I think you should have more dialogue rather than simply recounting the gist of the conversation. And "He refused so I ordered him shot" is rather weak. Edit: I think you make a lame excuse for the fact that this reads like an instruction manual. And I still think more dialog would give this some life. Convey this woman's lack of emotion by what she says to the man. Or, write about robots, if you want people who act like machines.
I would reverse position of "work hard and be on time or get the ax" to be on time and work hard. Have no business doing the Massive punch thing as he has not done anything but shout. Wesley Chapel general it is not much of an opening, Sounds like a brutal version of 1984