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Ok first off, I love my husband very much and just can't seem to leave him so I need some advice on how to stay and how to handle our situation. Background: My husband went to war in 2006 and did not come back the same man he used to be. I was not with him when he went but his mom says that it has totally changed him. I met him at college in 2008 and we hit it off as friends and was great together. He seemed normal, geeky (I like that), and seemed to have his head on straight. Current: We have been married for 3 years now and have lived together for 5 years. It seems that when we got married everything went to crap really fast. He doesn't have a job and sits on the couch and watches movies all day. He sometimes switches from watching movies, to playing with his hamster, to play the card game Magic:The Gathering and Dungeons and Dragons (just making characters and story plots). He also sometimes gets online on Facebook to talk and post crazy ideas about the government/zombie Apocalypse/religions. That is the whole of his existence. He doesn't have many friends and if he makes one, none of them want to stick around much because he get obsessed about a subject and will not talk about ANYTHING else till he tells you ALLLL he knows. Ok so that leaves working, cooking, cleaning, finances, and even reminding him he needs to take a shower and brush his teeth. I am about to just go crazy! I don't know what to do and therapy and medication just does not seem to help. For instance, I asked him to clean the bathroom the other day, the only thing he did was sweep and pick up a few towels. It would have been Bowdon if it wouldn't have been almost a months worth of dirt on everything. The trash was overflowing, the sink was packed with bottles and grim, the toilet has black rings in it and then he wants me to praise him like a GOD because he did "something" He also told me one day that, "I can't read your mind" when I asked him to clean the living room and kitchen. I thought it was obvious that you couldn't see the counter tops in the kitchen or the dishes were piled up to your chin or the living room needed vacuuming. He was in the ARMY for christ's sake! Didn't they train that into them? He also blames me for everything and still does not see that he does. Why is he depressed?, Me. Why does he not have any friends?, Me. Why does he not have any money to go anywhere?, Me. Why does he not clean the house anymore?, Me!! Everything is always my fault or his PTSD/mental problems or his depression. I don't know about you but I thought a real man could take responsibilities for his own actions! Am I not right? Yes, he may have fought for this country but I know plenty of men who have and they have 3 jobs and work like dogs to support their families. While mine told me one day, "Everyone owes me for what I did" Please help me understand this situation.
I may not be much help in answering your question but if it weren't for the fact that he was different before and then changed after war, I would have told you that it sounded like a textbook case of Asperger's Syndrome. Particularly the fact that he has lost touch with reality, fails in the understanding of basic things that you or I would consider normal commonsense, and especially the narrow topic that he discusses with people and failure to see how his social interactions are off-course. Forgive me though, as I know very little about PTSD and those that have been to war. Re-reading your question, I commend you for sticking by him and trying to find answers. I wish you luck and hope that you both find the help your husband needs. He sounds seriously depressed and out of touch with reality. The fantasy games and involvement in the 'alternative reality' are most likely avoidance tactics to run from confronting the pain and trauma he has experienced. Also, it might be worth noting that it is easy to become entrenched into a particular way of life and become addicted to gaming/lazing around/procrastinating etc. I speak from experience when I became addicted to computer games while I was at uni and watched my grades suffer. The endless hours spent on the gaming and neglecting my work and interacting with others took its toll for a while. I became used to a certain way of life and felt very much demotivated to make any changes or get up to clean up/help out my parents. Thankfully that only lasted a short period of time - but not before I postponed uni and joined the dole queue to get a firsthand experience of what it was like to be unemployed and without qualifications. The unemployment office I attended was frequented by young people who clearly lazy, some acted very uneducated and many looked like they were involved in drugs. I have nothing against the less fortunate in society, but felt very much out of place amongst the ones that could be described as purposely relying on the unemployment benefits to fund a non-working (perhaps drug-filled?) lifestyle. That set me straight pretty damn quickly and I found a night job stacking shelves and balanced that with uni from the next semester onwards. That same job afforded me plenty of opportunities to save and I travelled to China after graduation. I met my wife over there and ended up teaching for a couple of years in China. Came back to the same company that I used to work for and within one year I'm now an assistant manager, married and trying to work my way up from the bottom. It is very hard! Very stressful. We can save a little but struggle to qualify for a mortgage for a home loan. Hearing your story of men that work 3 jobs really makes me feel so much more motivated to stop relying on just my main managerial wage (which is really low) and take on extra work asap. I am starting to ramp up my efforts to find a better full time job already and looking at further qualifications. Anything to get out of the rent trap and into a home sooner, rather than waiting for the prices to keep going up! Anyway, I hope that my story about the computer game addiction gives you some hope. I can tell you that coming out to the other side of it was hard and I was at rock bottom just 2 months before my graduation - sitting on the bed crying and feeling numb...instead of happy and relieved. Giving up the games changed my life. I threw myself into my work, made more friends and tried to deal with the anxiety of not knowing my career path post-graduation. A few years later, I have the amazing experience of living in another country, having an amazing wedding that the whole city turned out to see (riding a horse through the main street!) and making the front page of the local newspaper. I changed the lives of countless students in helping them to learn English - my science degree actually helped one student to get advanced standing to a high level degree at the prestigious Hong Kong University. I miss the many friends I made in China too!! So many amazing experiences in a country and culture so far removed from my own. I was a bit of a loner during my travels (I organised private guide and driver) and when I was travelling with other foreigners, I tried to go off in the evenings and meet the locals - I even joined a Chinese tour even though I had no idea what they were saying!! Life rarely stands still and keeps testing us to our limits. I have had a couple of near breakdowns from stress since coming back from overseas - it's the stress of wanting so much and to give my wife and I a good life!! My wife and I have fought a lot and it has tested our marriage to its limits with the amount of trouble we have both experienced. Stay strong and keep fighting for answers to save your marriage and let your husband come to terms with what is happening. I will pray for you.
It seems that you are in a little trouble. He is not seems under any depression. Laziness is the main reason. You also trying to handle all the things at home and also sharing even his personnel jobs. It is not clear that how your sexual life is going on. He need a long time psycho care to develop a gentle personality. The IQ deference in between both you are high. His only positive thing for his pride is WAS AN ARMY MAN. He is well know about his weakness and not ready to rectify it and wish to live with in the vacuum. There are two things to do..one you prefer your life and live like your wish and let him as he wish. second one is if he agree take him under medical(Psycho)supervision. I dont know how it expensive in your country. Presence of a child in between you may also help changes in his attitude, but it is an experiment. If possible prefer frequent outing and interact with others in social functions or events. Praise him in front of others for the jobs he never done and invite others to your home to show the things he done. He may forced to do some thing. you can ask me any up gradation on the matter with me on vazhapazham21 at gmail dot com. All the best.
Sorry to hear he blames you for his situation, that seems quite unreasonable. I think he needs some direction and purpose in his life. Perhaps the horrors of war have left him in a state of mind where he doesn't feel he has anything to aim for. When he has something to aim for, his interest in distractions like Dungeons and Dragons will pass. Ultimately, he is the only one who can make him change. People don't change because other people try to change them. He needs to understand that change has to be driven by him.
Well its very clear that the only reason you are with him is because after all that you dont want the blame on urself. But clinging on to the situation is only making it worse for both of you. I m sure u know what to do. So stop whining and do what you think will help you n him mature and evolve. He seems to be going through just another transitional phase of his life and needs to get a life himself.
Sounds like a mess! From my point of view, I think men were made to take care of the family and provide (work)... And a wife should take care of the house and children if not working. If both parents are working then housework and cooking should be somehow split, you do the housework and dad cooking or if he cant cook then you cooking and hubby doing housework. If hubby isnt working, then u should get a job and he should take part in housework and babysitting. Sounds like you are both lazy and cant be bothered in family life and its duties. Poor child! I suggest you talk to your hubby and make it work. If you dont make it work you will end up splitting up! Be strong for your child and stop being lazy! Stop watching tv and eating and clean your house and cook for your child. If you and your hubby arent working out then do it for the child... go for walks to loose weight with your baby as well, it will boost up your confidence.
First of all congratulations on not leaving him and giving up on him secondly i have a depressed husband too very depressed ptsd sufferer too thirdly you need to go to therapy to learn how to deal with his depression and how to help him and help your marriage you will learn how to help yourself to make yourself healthier too that is what i did you will learn tools you need to help him and your marriage try different therapists if the one you pick does not work don't give up count to 10 before you say anything mean or nasty he is depressed he can't help it fourthly sometimes, it takes months (maybe longer) to work out the right medications, therapy, and other things he needs to get better you are lucky your husband is willing to try medication and therapy (mine is not). speak to his doctors attend meetings for women married to men coming back from the war so that you can learn about adjustment issues keep your head up look after yourself so that you can tend your marriage don't give up and remember you are not the only one going through this !! and, he is a HERO peace