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The idea is to write to companies to sponsor me for an expensive trip next year. First of all, is this a good idea? Anyway, here's is the letter. Thank you ahead of time My name is Nickolas Urzua and I am a 13 year old student at Castle Dome Middle School. This 8th grade year, I am presented with the opportunity to attend a field trip to visit Washington D.C, Philadelphia, and New York. This field trips is available to all 8th graders thanks to School Tours of America. This field trip will introduce me to many great historical places and things that would influence me greatly. This trip will inform me on the major events happening in American History, for instance, Capitol Hill, Ellis Island, , the Arlington National Cemetery, and the Statue of Liberty Going here would also build leadership skills as well as self esteem, important aspects in life. I maintained a steady 4.0 GPA all year, and have been very motivated to learn more about our great country. Unfortunately, there is a fee to be paid to experience all the joys they offer, which is $1700, due March 3, 2009. . Currently, I am organizing other ways to raise money for this trip such as selling various items and doing different jobs. I was hoping you would assist me in covering a portion of this cost. Any type of sponsor at all would be greatly appreciated. Thank you very much ahead of time Nickolas Urzua
You do have a few typos - make sure you have someone proofread before you mail anything off. The letter is okay but it could be better if you found a way to grab the reader's attention. I'd start with the first sentence even - you want to get them reading and you want to get them interested in who you are. Why is this trip so important to you? What do you specifically plan to get out of it? Why would it help you now and in the future? You say it will influence you - give specifics. You mentioned leadership skills - are you currently active at your school? How? You mention at the end you plan on doing some things to raise money. Have you done anything yet? Can you show someone what you are planning and what progress you have made? Show them you are committed and this is a priority. Who knows how many letters they get similar to yours? Make yours stick out somehow. I wish I had specific suggestions, but my brain isn't working too well at this time. You might check online for stories of kids that have raised money - recently I remember seeing something about a guy raising money for his college in New York. I can't remember what his hook was however, but he was/is successful. Most people don't want to give something for nothing. What could you do for potential sponsors? Keep a journal with pics and provide it after? Could be good Snellville for them. I'm not saying it's horrible, just that if your letter is one of many asking for money, find a way to make yours top of the pile. Good luck!
Edit: I think you wrote a really good letter. I made a couple of adjustments that you can either use or not. My name is Nickolas Urzua and I am a 13 year old student at Castle Dome Middle School. This eighth grade year, I am presented with the opportunity to attend a field trip to visit Washington D.C, Philadelphia, and New York. This field trip is available to all eighth graders, thanks to School Tours of America. By introducing me to many new places and historical sites, it will have a positive influence. The trip will inform me about major events in American History as we visit Capitol Hill, Ellis Island, the Arlington National Cemetery, and the Statue of Liberty Visiting these places will also help me build leadership skills and boost my self-esteem, both of which are important aspects in life. I have maintained a steady 4.0 GPA all year, and I am very motivated to learn more about our great country. Unfortunately, there is a fee required in order to experience all the joys this educational trip offers, totaling $1,700. It is due on March 3, 2009. I am currently taking several steps in order to raise this money, including selling various items and doing different jobs. However, I am regretful that my actions alone might not suffice. I would be very grateful if you would assist me in covering a portion of this cost. Any type of sponsor at all would be wonderful, and no amount of help is too small. Thank you very much for taking the time to read my letter, Nickolas Urzua
Young man, you are very articulate. I hope you will be successful in your efforts. I suggest you get a couple of letters from persons in authority in your school or with the "School Tours" group to confirm the validity of your position, citing, as third parties, the particulars of the trip as well of the expenses YOU need to raise. Again, Good Luck, and best wishes for a successful fund raising campaign.
Great job this is one of the most professional letters I have seen in a long time. You did fantastic. You are very bright and this letter clearly shows your level of intelligence. I wish you the very best of luck and hope you get your financial assistance because you deserve it.
I thought that was very good! I could not have done better myself. I thought it was convincing and it did not sound like you were begging for money. Good job! For a moment there, after I read the first paragraph and thought about your personality, I swore to God I knew you in real life, but then I read on and realized no... LOL.
Thats good dude, sounds like you worked out that proposal you wanted from a while ago. it sounds good to me dude and take this from someone that makes a living as a freelance writer you have some good skills bro your going to be the next steven king hands down
Sounds great-have a great time on your trip!
I think that's really good! But posting your school, Age and last name on the internet. -Not smart. Your gonna get raped or something. "You don't look 13" HAHAH!!! You're like "Dumbass" ahah that made my night!