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I am 10 weeks pregnant, and l have no idea what I'm going to do when this bundle o' love arrives. I'm 19, turning twenty shortly and my baby is due in October of 2011. My boyfriend of three years is completely supportive of me and is currently taking time off from college to try and get job(s) so that we have the option of keeping it. He's 18 and an only child with two financially unstable but very caring parents. I grew up with four older siblings- all now very accomplished- and our mom raised us by herself. She had kids late and planned for them so that she could send us all to college with no loans and also attend every sports/music/general kid event for ALL of us. She is truly a phenomenal mom- I have yet to tell her that I am pregnant. In my family and hometown teen pregnancy is unexpected - it is a small place fueled by academics and the idea of success. So many other teens that become pregnant have limited or no options and then choose adoption- I know that if I took this route, it would be an open adoption and I would have to find the perfect family to raise my baby. Here's the kicker. When I tell my mom, she'll cry. She'll probably gently push me towards the idea of an open adoption so that my life will be the best that it can be. But I have doubts about giving my baby away. My man will support me in whatever I choose, but he's made it clear that he'd rather keep the baby. I had so much more planned for my life, and I know that my family will ultimately support me in whatever I do, but we are proud. I doubt that some of my siblings will forgive me for the extra burden on my mother if I choose to keep it and end up living at home for a few years while I get on my feet. My boyfriend and I are broke, and we're just kids ourselves- but with the help of our families those TEMPORARY ailments will go away. I don't know what's best for my baby- a loving family that my boyfriend and I handpick for our child so he/she can have all the best things in life, or his/her real family that would make it work. IF YOU HAVE GIVEN YOUR BABY UP FOR ADOPTION PLEASE GIVE Elkader ANY ADVICE Elkader INPUT. IF YOU KEPT YOUR BABY EVEN THOUGH IT WAS UNCONVENTIONAL AND HARD, PLEASE LET Elkader KNOW HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT THAT DECISION TODAY! Luckily I have a bit of time to rack this life changing decision through the cogs of my brain, but any advice is truly appreciated. God I need it.
Having a baby at your age is not going to ruin your life, only change it. I am 20 and as I went through the pain of losing my natural family, being adopted at birth, I know that should I ever get an unplanned pregnancy I would keep and raise my baby. College can be put on hold, not all success can be measured in academic achievement. I believe that being a mother is worthwhile and shouldn't be seen as a lack of success. In this day and age a lot of emphasis is put on women having careers equal to men and whilst this is great, sometimes it means that when you verbalise your ambition to be a mother as higher than that of having a career, people can look down on you. Adoption is NOT necessary here, you have support and you can definitely make this work. I lost my natural family to adoption, it has shaped my whole life and affected me everyday. No matter how great, rich, kind and loving an adoptive family is, they cannot take away the pain that is adoption LOSS. I really hope you make the right decision to parent this child, because it sounds like you would regret giving them up for the rest of your life. I was reunited with my mother a year ago. I can safely say that she has yearned for me for the nineteen years I was gone and she said the minute she saw me she knew me and loved me because I always was and always will be her daughter. Don't put yourself through what my mother has suffered, because you are lucky to have the support of your boyfriend and family and I'm sure you will be a brilliant mother. Good luck.
Well I had my first son at 16, my family is absolutely not the type family where we have kids when young and single at all. My parents are super conservative Catholics, my older siblings all went to Ivy League schools and were married and owned homes and all that before they had kids. So it was definitely really hard to deal with but eventually my family got over the shock and things worked out. I doubt it'll be easy but you are at least few years ahead of where I was when I got pregnant:D I think that you shouldn't really consider your family tooo much when deciding what to do. If you'd need financial support that's something to think about, but otherwise most families will wind up dealing with whatever choice you make. And adoption can be a very difficult choice for you to deal with, especially if you aren't completely comfortable with the decision. I also agree with you that your situation now is only temporary. In the long term, women who have their kids younger can actually wind up being more stable in their finances and careers than women who have them later in life [no maternity leave mid-career, etc]. Just because you're having a baby doesn't mean your whole life and plans will just disappear. You'll need to adjust the plans a bit and some things like college will take longer, but you can still have a normal successful life. Obviously it's up to you but personally I would say to keep the baby unless you are very sure that adoption is the right choice for you. My boyfriend [now husband] and I strongly considered adoption but in the end we decided that we could work it out and I think that it has worked out well for us. It was incredibly hard at some points especially when our son was younger but it was worth it. Oh and just randomly most states don't actually have any legal protections regarding open adoption. They aren't legally enforceable agreements except in a few states? You might want to look that up and see what the laws are where you live.
Both are really great ideas. I personally have never had to go through an unplanned pregnancy, but my very best friend did. It was really hard for her, trying to figure out what to do. She was 18, her boyfriend left her, her dad was in jail, her mother was a druggie and she was living with her retired grandmother. If she stayed in her situation, she knew she would have to give her daughter up, but she knew she wouldn't be okay letting her go. So instead she gave up college for the time being got a full time job and kept her daughter. I helped her out by keeping her daughter while she was at work. Now she's engaged, in her own house with her own daycare service and about to start college again. Her daughter (my goddaughter) will be two this May. She knows she wouldnt change anything. Think about what you are willing to do for this child and how your situation is. Don't worry about what your family or friends will think. This is up to you and your boyfriend. Is sacrificing what is a "normal" life worth having your child being a part of your family?
I have adopted children and been very good to them and been very active in the adoption community for 30+ years... all and I mean ALL of the adopted children I have known, no matter how good they have it in their adopted home, have big issues about Y their birth mother gave them away. BIRTH FAMILY ALL THE WAY here. U can still go on with ur life plans,, u just have 2 be more creative and ask 4 help, and take it.. and not have an attitude to the people who offer it even if they aggravate u at times. If u and ur bf are meant to be together u will stay together.. 2 bad about what ur siblings think.. oh and btw, when they see the baby u may hear a different story.. AND if they are cruel enough to be crappy about it after the baby comes, do u really need them in ur life? but this may not even happen... right now its new and everyone is kind of in shock and sayin all kinds of stuff--- a baby is hard to resist. U can NEVER be sure if u pick out a loving family, what will ultimately happen with them.. the divorce rate is up around 60 per cent right now..... they could split.. be nasty 2 one another.. resent the child.. u just never know. at least w ur family and u and ur bf, u will know what is going on.. also there is help for people w low income who r parents like day care subsidy , grants 4 more schooling , etc.. look into it.. it wont be super easy but u sound like u r looking forward to being a mom and he a dad.. O and as far as the open adoption thing SORRY but once the adoptive parents and you sign papers, THEY are the legal parents and have ALL the say.. If they think they want to cut u out of the picture they certainly can... totally and legally.. dont buy the stuff about open adoption.. all they have 2 do is get a counselor to back them in that the child is upset and or confused after a visit with you... it may be true, it is hard for a child 2 understand an open adoption agreement and there are almost always FEELINGS strong ones on both ends... it takes VERY special people to work a deal like this. What can be especially hard on this child as it gets older, is if by then u have another child or children that DO live with u. Then they see them go home with u and they stay with the new parents, knowing that u r able 2 take care of ur new child or children... how does a child grasp that u couldnt take care of them,... they have a hard time buying it and it can get to be a major traumatic issue. Think of it frm the childs point of view it will not be a baby 4eva an even a 4 or 5 yr old catches on and can get very upset this.. Adoption is a MUCH more complex issue than people think... and it NEVER stops as long as you live. I do not want to play God and tell u what 2 do... but personally I have seen the difficulties.. O and check with an attorney that specializes in family law about the open adoption regs I think u will find this is true.. I have seen it happen where the birth parent was TOTALLY cut out.. also u do not know the extended family or if there is a relative who is an abuser, etc the parents may seem fine but who knows 4 sure??? at least u know ur family dynamics U seem very mature and insightful.. God bless u and ur family, my prayers and positive thoughts go out 2 u.... o and thank u for not aborting... UR bf also sounds like good daddy material and u 2 have been 2gether a long time.. u2 sound like keepers in every way.... dont let anyone talk u into anything listen 2 ur hearts.. this is UR lives and ur childs, no one elses... Oh and agencies WILL try to talk u into giving up the baby-- they can $CHARGE$ the adoptive parents BIG BIG bucks for placing a healthy infant in their home... u may get ur medical expenses paid and maybe living expenses, and they will tell u what a wonnnnnnderful unselllllllfish thing u r doing as they run to the bank$$$ these are legitimate agencies too, they r VERY expensive to the adoptive parents, u can check into it .. make sure u get the truth , have a friend call one of these agencies and ask the fees for adopting a healthy infant.... Good luck and God bless. Generations back people started families young .. talk 2 some of ur friends grandparents... and the families lasted.. no one talked about teen pregnancy... often they started families at 16 and 17... and it worked... We have SO many choices and options these days about when to have a baby we sometimes get all confused.. Again good luck U sound like a little family 2 me.. shop the yard sales 4 baby equipment. hug and love one another...
Being alittle wiser now that im an adult i'll tell you everyone had bigger plans for themselves kids or no kids. Teachers I have had told me they wanted to be lawyers had degree and all but got stuck being a teacher basically go lower down the line at Wal-Mart where I work most of the older people actually did go to college but couldn't get a job for their degree. What i'm saying is if this is the major reason why you are thinking of giving your baby up things still may not go as you planned like it does for many people people are always a notch down from where they planned to be. You pretty much are an adult now I could see if you actually were a teen but you have had your teenage years you have a good man good family if you have doughts don't do adoption. It would be even more painful if the main reason you gave up your baby never worked out anyway.
I am an adoption worker (for children from foster care) and I would recommend you keep your baby. Many women choose adoption because it is what's right for themselves and their baby, but in your situation you WANT to parent your child, and you have supportive people that will be able to help you out while you're completing school. That being said - don't expect them to always be there at the drop of the hat and do the parenting for you. So many people have negative views of domestic infant adoption - and there are unethical people out there who will not help you to explore all the OPTIONS you have. Being a young, single parent is no longer unconventional - but it is hard. The thing is, you are not talking about being a single parent, you are talking about having 2 responsible parents for this child. Make it work.
Only you can say what you want to do. You can't let your mums feelings push you towards adoption. Though likewise, don't let the fact that your partner is so supportive push you into keeping it. It solely depends on your feelings and what you are comfortable with. Though I feel the need to say that there is no better gift you can give than a child. For couples who are unable to have children and have tried for years, adoption is the only option. And there are many different kinds of adoption that could allow you visits, photos, or nothing if you really wanted. Going through an adoption agency also confirms that the new parents can't just stop all contact once they agree to an open adoption. So if you're not ready to mother a child, and do not feel you can give it the best life possible, then adoption may be for you. By this, I mean a house and everything a child needs. Remember that its from birth - college years. Which is a long time. If you can not even think about adoption, then don't let anyone talk you into it. You don't want to have any regrets. For you or your child.
It sounds like you are mature, WANT to keep your baby, and have lots of support from a lot of great family, and you're almost 20 years old, not really all that young to be a mother. This is not a baby who has to lose his or her family, and you are not a mother who has to lose her child. I understand that you don't want to disappoint your mom after she worked so hard to give you so many opportunities. But, while she might be disappointed and surprised at first, I cannot imagine, from your description, that she's a woman who would not give any support she could to her grandchild. And whatever your mother's reaction, this is YOUR child. Your decision can't be based on your mother. I bet that, no matter what your mother's initial reaction, she'll see that you still have a bright future that now includes the joy of raising a child. Congratulations on your coming baby!
My advice to you is keep the baby, it might be unexpected, but you will love it and enjoy it and do what's best for it. I can not have children was not so blessed in that area, I am currently looking to adopt a baby. I would strongly suggest you keep the baby it's miracle of life that not all of us get the chance to experience. But if you do decide to go adoption please feel free to contact me. I would love to take in your soon to be bundle of joy.I have a stable good paying job, a wonderful home and could give it everything it could ever need and/or want! My email is email@example.com
Raise your baby. There are ALWAYS, ALWAYS options when it comes to parenting in difficult situations. Like Tish said- young parent success stories AREN'T rare at all! Adoption is a permanent solution for a temporary problem, don't lose your child to another set of 'parents' just because your circumstances aren't ideal right now. PS- open adoption is NOT legally enforceable. Adoptive parents hold the parental rights to your child the minute you sign the adoption papers, and they can cut you out from the child's life AT ANY TIME. even if they promise you an open adoption, they can back out and close the adoption in the blink of an eye- and there won't be anything you can do about it. Check this out: gives a very good insight into the REALITY of open adoption- it is not all sunshine and rainbows. I suggest you read it carefully. Also, 'the perfect parents' for your child might not be so perfect after all- many potential adoptive parents only reveal their true colors after they have taken your baby away from you. They might seem perfect when they are trying to convince you to give them your child- but once they have what they want from you, it is amazing how fast their attitude can change. Please raise your child- no child deserves to be abandoned by it's real mother (even though many people will tell you it is a 'loving choice'), and no mother deserves to greive the loss of her child to adoption. IGNORE any answerers on here saying- 'mail me, mail me, I'll take your baby!' the *only* real loving choice you can make for your child is to parent it. No one can replace the REAL mother/child bond, even though many adoptive parents like to pretend they can. Good luck, and be well.