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Beside smashing his face, what is the civilized soultion to this problem? My mother has endured a consistent and constant verbal and sometimes physical abuse from my father. He would be more physical if he wasn't afraid of the law so much. I'm 20 years old, and I left the house a year ago - i'm doing well on my own and I'm getting my bachelors degree next year. Now, I have a sister and a very strong mother who has endured his behavior for 22 years. The problem with him is that everything with him is psychological abuse - he threatens and puts people down to make himself feel better - like the big bully of the house. When we are with him we tend to avoid him because he yells and screams about every little things and not only that - he has said some terrible things to me, my mother and my now 14 year old sister. One time he even threatend my mother with a gun... THE MAJOR PROBLEM is that no family members believe us when we tell them - so they don't help - they always side with him - because he is good at acting like a victem - he's a bald professor with glasses - and he always comes off as a nice guy in public and around other people - in fact he is very good at acting all sweet and loving in public but the minute he is alone with the family he changes... Personally I'm sick of him... my mother called me today - its 3:00 in the morning and she's distraught... she left the house and is living with a friend today... he called me to tell me how crazy and horrible my mother is for leaving - and the proceeded to insult me... and I calmly listened to him... I'm just so sick of his psychological warfare... I asked my mother to come stay with me, but she doesn't want to because I live in an efficiency and its too small... she left my sister with him and quite frankly i'm worried about her and my mother is too... my mom has no money, and my dad has not given her the power to go get any nor has he ever given her any money - since it would give her some control... she used to have a job, but she is now out of a job which has given him free reign on her soul... I really want to do something, but I can't think of anything to do... he hasn't beat her recently... but he has left her just so messed up and distressed...
Let me tell you something. My aunt stayed with her abusive husband for fifteen years. She kept it quiet, she hid the bruises, she hid the pain. When she finally got a divorce a decade and a half later, she took the money that was owed to her in the suit and lived with her sister later on. The financial situation is bleak, but she's much better off financially anyway (since he did not let her use any money) now, and has even started to advance herself career-wise as a banker. And she's leading a better life. No one--NO ONE deserves love when they do not give any back. I suggest your mother find some sort of emotional and financial support--be it her friend, or someone else who will believe and trust her--and divorce her husband. He is doing none of you any good, he is a liability in all aspects of the word. You say your sister is 14, right? Well, your mother has left the household, and now there is no one but her and him. Where is he taking out all of his anger out on? Sure, he's called you and said some very bad things to you, but who is in his immediate vicinity? YOUR SISTER. It's even worse for her now. Why did your mother leave her with him, don't either of you know what kind of pain that's going to cause her? Not to mention, she's still so young and her perspective of the world is still so susceptible to badness, this is going to affect her now and later for many years down the road. It would've been better if it was you than her, because you are more mature and less naive to think that the way your father's acting is the way the world is. You are about to get your BA, and I suggest that you make some long-term plans to earn money before grad school (if you are going) with a steady job and support your family if you care for them, And I mean your family, mind you, not the father who refuses to treat you like family. Is your efficiency too small for your sister? You say really want to do something but you can't think of anything. Well here's what I suggest to you: think about getting a bigger apartment, earning more money/loading on more hours, even if it requires you to take a leave of absence from your school, and house your mother and sister, whereby they may also find jobs in the meantime. Again: 1) long term plans to help your family get away from him by being financially stable in the future after graduation 2) getting a better, bigger place to live in to house them, even if that requires loans and/or a leave of absence from school for a semester or so in order to gather funds. 3) divorce, consulting a lawyer about custody, child support, and money issues in general. 4) convincing your relatives, thoroughly. Show them bruises, whatever you need, so that they could help you guys out financially as well. If that fails, find government sponsored help and places that help abused women and children. Where I live, I can name at least several places that can help you. These options aren't all mutually exclusive, either. Now, do something. It has been over twenty years. Do something. Now.
Twenty is very young to have to be dealing with all this by yourself. You are obviously a very caring individual, not to mention intelligent and I hope you get through this soon. I'm not American so I don't know what services are available in your country, but I would think that there would be women's shelters, domestic violence lines etc that your mother could access. There have to be programs that will help your mom establish a life seperate from your father. I think you need to break it down into stages. Start by ensuring your mom, and especially your little sister, are safe. Do you have community services that will take an interest in your family's welfare? Do you have legal aid your mom can access? Maybe she can get a restraining order allowing her to return to the house to look after your sister, and binds your father into good behaviour (at a minimum). Once they have secure accommodation, either in a shelter, with friends or independently, it may be a good idea to consider family counselling - at least for you, your sister and your mom. In the meantime, I hope you have someone who can support you. Your family members believing your father over you and your mom, is typical of bullys. They can seem very charming on the outside, while you know only too well what nightmares they can be away from public eyes. Ultimately, though, he's going to be the one alone wondering what happened. Good luck. I think you're very brave. I hope it works out for you and your family.
Your dad has effectively cut your mom off from her support base. Abusers typically cut the abused off from all hope... their family, job, transportation, church, friends and anything else. Most women in abuse will not leave until they finally bolt from the house in fear of losing their lives. Talk some sense into your mom... you may not be able to talk to her at home, but perhaps you can drop by and take her out to lunch at a quiet cafe. Yes, your sister and you are both in danger as well. Time to get yourselves free. If your sister is 16, she can work at a regular teen type job... like at a mall or restaurant. If she is younger, you can do babysitting, yard work or odd jobs for money. She needs her job first and foremost so she can both support herself and have the cash to file for divorce. If she needs to, she should move out of the house and in with a friend and relative and get back to work. A sleeping spot on an air mattress on the floor of your efficiency beats nothing. It is a launching spot... not intended to be permanent. Your mom can't afford to be choosy right now. If you three stay together, you can always move to a bigger apartment. If you are in the USA, you can purchase the latest do-it-yourself divorce guide for your state at the local bookstore. Get the one with all the forms on a CD inside the jacket. It is a quick and empowering read. You can also help your mom by having your sister intercept all financial statements that arrive in the mail... your mom will need those as back-up when she files for divorce... she is entitled to 1/2 of all assets acquired during the marriage, as well as child support, and most likely at least a couple of years' of spousal support so she can start over. The courts tend to take a dim view of abusers.
I hate that you and your family are going through this. I know it is horrible my dad treated my mother like this when they where together but thank goodness she left and divorced him when i was 11. He stopped seeing me when i turned 15 and im 28 now and he still one talks to me like once a year if that. Anyways i have to say that the only thing that can really happen is your mom is going to have to stand up and leave him on her own when it comes to your sister you could help maybe you should try recording his behavior without him knowing and try and get a probono lawyer and try and get temporary custody of her until your mom can get out cause if you dont do something he will start taking the aggression out on your lil sis and she may not be able to defend herself. I wish that i could give you more advice its just that your mother is going to either have to turn him in to the police of just move in with you until she can get a better place and until she is ready to do that there is really nothing you can do.
Parents are responsible for their children, morally and under the Law in any State in the US. Abuse is not excusable, and in the case you describe, your mother must keep your sister in her custody, and do nothing to weaken her custodial position. You seem to be the responsible adult in this dysfunctional family situation. You must sit down with your mother and establish a commitment to rid your sister of this situation. Tell your mom that if she is not capable of decisive change, finding local resources to remove her and your sister from their abusive environment, you will do whatever is necessary to remove your sister from both parents influence. This may sound harsh, but if your mom is not the solution, she is part of the problem. If she does nothing, go to Legal Aid, it costs nothing. Ask for advice on who to approach in the System, and how best to address the problem, with the intent to gain Custody of your sister. Your mother has options, there are programs and shelters for their situation. Take control if she won't.
I would invest in two or three of those spy pens.Just leave lying around house,also get small wireless 8m recorder that starts recording when pen or pens are activated & shuts off when pens turned off.Leave the recorder outside of house,in letter box or trash can.When you have got some footage,show to family & if they still insist on disbelief,show to the Police when you ask for advice.. Hope all goes well for you &your Mother & sister. Trust i may have been some help? Also i would check out legal aid in your area,to find out what is avaliable in the way of refuge or safe housing..
First, for you, cut off all communication with him. Forever. You don't need that cr*p in your life. You're better off without him. Second, your mother's excuse is a bit of a cop-out. A cardboard box would be a better living environment than with him. She should take whatever she can get. And before she goes with the "I have no money excuse" again. Tell her that Tina Turner had a Mobil gas card and 38 cents to her name when she left her abusive husband. Cut out the cancer.
This kind of thing happens too often, honestly my first instinct would be to smash his face in with a 9 iron and dump the body. However that would leave you in a very bad situation with the law and possibly with your mother and sister. I would suggest getting a video camera and recording him secretly during his next rage fit and take it to the police. or maybe even show it to the rest of your family so you will have their support. I hope this helps.
You MOTHER has to stop hiding behind all those excuses and supposed "reasons", and GET OFF HER A** and get OUT of there - PERMANENTLY. She already cried "victim", but NOW she is an active participant. ALL of this CRAP would STOP if she had the BACKBONE to just LEAVE. Look, I WAS ONCE a stupid FOOL JUST LIKE SHE IS NOW, by staying in a horrible rotten situation very similar to hers. Now that I can look back on it, I can honestly tell you I staying ONLY because I was LAZY. I just did not want to give up all my "stuff" - nice house, car, etc...... how STUPID!! NOW, both of my kids are going through intensive therapy, and it is MY FAULT!!! THIS IS NOT ENTIRELY YOUR FATHERS FAULT!!!! SHE is just as messed up and priority backwards Michigan he is!!!! IF my son (like you, very smart) had TOLD me this: "MOM, I will DISOWN YOU and NEVER speak to you again if you do NOT get out of there right NOW", I WOULD have left instantly. I stayed a few more years until finally I had had enough and threatened to kill him myself, he did leave, but now my KIDS are paying for MY stupidity. HOW STUPID can anyone be!!
Most cities have facilities for abused women and children to get a new start. Check out the one nearest you and get them involved, it may even just start with counseling so they can get strong enough to leave. Some places even have safe housing for victims of abuse, along with legal assistance. Just remember that your mom and sister have to stand up for themselves and choose to leave regardless of the hardships they might face initially. It is a matter of deciding what you can and can't live with. They are blessed that they have you to help them.